Borderline Royal Blood

I'm still very much in the early stages of accepting my official diagnosis.

There's a lot that comes with the parcel marked 'Here's What's Wrong With You' and amongst the general turmoil of it being a real thing, there's a lot of relief, a sense that you at least slot in somewhere, you're not the solitary single fuck up that nobody can work out.

Through your abnormality, your very diagnosable abnormality, you are a little bit regular.

That's what I tell myself, anyway, until I read that less than 1% of people have been diagnosed with what I've got and it's tough as fuck to really pinpoint.

At least I'm not being made to feel like I've just been hunting for a label, some brown paper tag on a piece of string that gives me license to be a shit.

I had a very long, very complex dream about pool halls and being a new character within a computer game that someone was playing. I was lying on a sofa with my head resting on someone's lap and there was a level of peace that came from that which is still resonating with me now, a full half hour after I woke up. It's strange and comforting and I can't figure it out at all.

Maybe I just need a damn cuddle, maybe my dreams need to stop taunting me with things I just don't have.

Cravings and Solace

I walked to work the other day with a constant narration of my own actions running through my head.

I was commenting on everything I was doing, everything I was feeling, and occasionally throwing in a humorous one liner, you know, for the audience.
In my head, my voice was calm, confident, reassuring and somehow thick, like it had grown more complex and gained more depth within its own inflections and intentions.
I amused myself for an hour with this, imagining the acolades of a film that FINALLY took place in proper real time, and reflected the truthfully boring nature of a regular person's regular morning.
I'm buggered if I know where that all came from.

I'll catch myself talking to myself... And tell myself off for it.
OH THE IRONY.

So this is my newest of many blogs. I can't promise regular updates, or any kind of consistency. I can just say that this will be words, and they will be mine, and I will try my utmost to be truthful and honest. Which will likely result in you, the reader, disliking me greatly. 
Mostly because I'm not a nice person, really.

But at least you won't be able to fault my honesty.